Hospitals Suck

Last weekend I was feeling the familiar pains of a condition that I and many others have called Divroticulatus (if the spelling is wrong.. deal with it). So big plan for Monday is go in to see my doctor, get some antibotics, pain pills and take a few days off. This is the same thing that happened 2 years ago so I was familiar with the process. I get in to see my doctor monday night and he agrees that I have what I say I have, so I am thinking perscription for antibiotics, pain pills and take a few days off. NO.. he wants me to go to the emergency room "just in case". I don't really agree but I figure that I will go. I arrive at the emergency room thinking they will see that what I have is what I say I have. Laying there in the nice paper dress they provided freezing my yams off I am thinking "the specialist will see what I have and say here are some antibiotics, pain pills and a couple days off" NO.. this guy wants me to spend the night and orders a battery of tests for something that I already know that I have !!! Is this guy trying to pay off his boat??? I finally agree to spend the night much to the dismay of my 9 month pregnant wife who could be in the bed next to me at any time. Needless to say the experience was utter hell. Arrive at the emergency room at 7:30pm, finally get to the room by 10:30pm (needless to say most of that time sitting in that paper dress and with no pain medication). When I get into the room I am thinking I'll get my pain med, and sleep until the morning. NO...they want to give me a CT scan right away before I go to sleep. So I figured fine, get it out of the way. So I drink the white chalky crap getting ready for my "test". Then the nurse informs me that they are backed up at the CT machine and it might be a while. BE A WHILE !!! It's 2:00am on a tuesday morning. Who the hell else would need a CT scan at that time. Fine.. finally 3:30 in the morning I am pushed down to the scan room by my nurse WHO DOESN'T KNOW WHERE THE CT ROOM IS, it's not her first day there, and she isn't a temp, it's that she has other people do that for her. Nothing more embarassing that sitting in a wheelchair (in my paper dress) with my IV post thingy between my legs and the nurse asking everyone she runs into if they know where she is going. At this point I am getting ready to say "give me antibiotics, pain pills, and I will take a few days off !!" Fine.. back to the room at 4:30am and I am thinking NOW by the grace of God I can get some rest. OH have I mentioned that the guy next to me requires a nurse to sit next to his bed 24 hours a days for some unknown reason. And by the looks of this guy I really didn't want to know. So guy snoring, TV's on, nurse next to him is the most popular person on the floor and gets FREQUENT visitors , and the hallway is the center of activity for EVERYONES call button dings that takes on average of 4 minutes to answer and turn off. At this point I really don't give a flying (you know), all i know is that I have the little machine next to me with the "magic button". I know how this bad boy works, feel a little pain, push the button, good feeling comes over you, you are knocked out for hours. COOL. I settle in and prepare myslef. I push the "magic button" waiting for the good feeling and nothing happens. I start pushing that button like I was playing the old atari 2600, and not much happened. I layed there watching the hours pass by and the sun finally come up. Somewhere I must have dozed off for an hour maybe two. My mother shows up in the morning to see how I am doing, and we basicly sit there watch TV, and I get to go to the bathroom dragging my little IV post with me around the nurse du jour sitting next to the guy next to me. Finally, a doctor shows up by noon (had to get 18 holes in before rounds I guess), and tell me I have Divrotiulitus and I say "no s**t sherlock" and tells me he would like me to stay another day. At that point I am not sure if it was the look on my face where I was going to rip out his throat or the clenched fists, but the doctor finally said that maybe that staying another day wasn't necessary. SO GUESS WHAT HE RECOMMENDED... ANTIBIOTICS, PAIN PILLS AND A FEW DAYS OFF!! I almost came unglued, but I was too exhausted.

Thats not the end of the story... at this point the doctor said he would write up some perscriptions and I am free to go. So my mother, figuring it would take a little while, decides to run my car home and get a ride back to pick me up so we wouldn't have to shuffle cars around. I get dressed at the speed of light and wait for her return, and wait, and wait. An hour and a half later I am thinking that it should take a total of 20 minutes to go home and come back. Did she get into a wreck? Another 15 minutes my wife comes into the room and informs me that my mother got home and decided to have lunch and do a few things around the house. ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME? Yeah I was have a blast at camp no sleep. Finally home and in the comfy chair. Part of the doctors requirement is liquid diet for another 24 hours. SO.. 24 hours with no food and water, another 24 hours of just clear liquids, by noon on the third day I was ready to do some serious damage to the pantry.

Interesting Fact

In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship and it was also before commercial fertilizer's invention, so large shipments of manure were common.It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, it not only became heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by product is methane gas.

As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen.Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM! Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening.

After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the term "Ship High In Transit" on them, which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.Thus evolved the term "S.H.I.T " , (Ship High In Transport) which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day. You probably didn't know the true history of this word. Neither did I. I had always though it was a golf term.

Favorite Word or Phrase

"If I can't eat it, bang it, or bet on it... it's not programmed in my cell phone"

(Charlie Harper in two and a half men)

Night Golf

Recently I had a chance to play night golf for the first time. Going into it I wasn't really sure what to expect. The course we were playing at had a regular course and a 9 hole par 3 course that is pretty much 9-iron, wedge, putter. Finally a day before my mom and I were to play I found out we were playing the regulation course. Having played this course a couple times I knew this was not a short course where the front 9 had a couple par 4's and 5's. I thought to myself, how the heck do you find a glowing ball if you slice it right or left and a little out of bounds, which I have been known to do. But heck, what's $35 to have a new experience including golf, food, and BEER.

Night of the outing my mom and I pretty much loaded her car down with everything not knowing what to expect. We had clubs, jackets, machete', flashlights, and bug spray (course by a river with alot of swampy area). I eased into the night that started out with a meal, a cigar, and a beer. The food was pretty good with the exception of the roast beef that was like shoe leather, but the beer was cold. As I was spraying myself down with bug spray and smoking a cigar I was thinking, "you know a cigar with an aerosol can is probably not a good idea" flashbacks of Michael Jackson filled my head. Out to the course with my mom who hadn't played in 4 years, another guy who hadn't played in 10 years, and another guy who doesn't play much. Hey the beer is cold and it's a fund raiser for charity I kept telling myself. While heading out to the first hole I was told that the glowing golf balls don't fly as far as regulation so the chances of not being able to spot the ball was pretty slim. I was teeing up the glowing ball on the first hole and a zen like feeling came over me. I was in pitch black dark, looking at a glowing ball, there is no chance of looking at the club face, or to have anything else distract you or have you take your eye off the ball. I conjured up "the force" and let go my inner feelings and just swung the club and stroked it down the middle of the fairway. GOD what a feeling. The rest of the round was pretty much like that also. It ended up being the most fun I have ever had on a golf course. Luckily I had knowledge of the course so I knew where we were hitting the ball toward on the longer par 5's. Tee markers were marked with glow sticks and there were also glow sticks on the flags on the green. The beer cart was never far away and kept us stocked up (they actually had strapped in one of the drunk cart girls to keep her from falling out of the cart). Another good point is that you didn't have to search far for a place to get rid of the beer, you just walked away from the flashlights and let it fly. The only ball we lost was one that flew left into some DEEEEEP weeds and we didn't try hard to find it. The night ended up with us 3 over par which blew me away and we came in 3rd place. I had put on an invitation out to my friends to play golf, but having never played night golf, I didn't follow up with anybody since if the experience sucked I didn't want to get blamed. Next year I am bringing everyone I know with me so they can have as much fun as I did. And in this time and age where most golf tournaments cost a minimum of $100 a person to play, it was nice to just pay $35 for twice as much fun as I have ever had in a tournament.

It's 5:00 somewhere !!!!

Favorite Word or Phrase

"Mother Puss-bucket"

(Bill Murray in Ghostbusters)

You're Kidding Right?

I just read a story where New York skyscrapers will turn off their lights above the 40th floor so migrating birds won't hit them.... HUH?

They said that the birds are attracted to the lights in the buildings like moths to a flame.

Excuse me, but wouldn't the chance of hitting the building increase if they couldn't see the freakin thing because it is dark?

And, I am not sure what the migrating altitude of a bird is, but I assume that it is below 400 feet.

And how fast does a bird have to get going before they can't avoid a 100 story building?
(What is the air speed velocity of a sparrow?... Python)

Fire Transportation?

I just read that the Torch for the 2006 Winter olympics has just left a Greek Temple. The torch will be run around Greece for a couple of days and then flown to Rome.

EXCUSE ME ?..... FLOWN

Let me get this straight you can't smoke in an airplane or have a lighter, but its alright to have a 8 inch torch in a plane with jet fuel and everything else.

!!!!!!!! YEAH TOAST !!!!!!!!

My mom's toaster lets out an ear piercing "beeeeeeeeep" about 5 seconds before the toast pops up.

WHY?????????????????

I have come up with a few thoughts:

1. If you are staring at the toaster waiting for the toast to appear, it forewarns you of the toast so you won't be frightened.. of course the beep is enough to scare the crap out of you.

2. The beep is there in case you can't wait the few minutes it takes to wait for the toast to appear and wander back into the front room to catch the end of "Blues Clues". It reminds people with the attention spans of ticks what they were doing. (No offense to ticks)

3. The beep is there to let my 2 year old know it's time to put on his "oliver - Please may I have some more" face to beg me for half of the toast I make. Not that I deny him toast, it's just that he has to have mine for some reason, thus the reason I make 3 pieces of toast. Of course the third piece of toast also means another "beeeeeeeeep" in the near future.

4. The beep is there to let my mom's two dogs (and all the other dogs in the neighborhood) that I am making toast and thus them putting on their "oliver..." faces. Dogs against the 2 year old. My money is on the two year old.

5. It's just there to annoy me.


You can set up this toast to make, toast, waffles, bagels, muffins, steak, and all sorts of things, why can't you tell it to shut up.

Any other thoughts on why it beeps???

Beginings

My blog begins here.. in search of the perfect margaritta